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Phrenology

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 Folks say in the therapy program that journaling is a positive coping skill and that it eventually helps if you keep at it.  It's been nearly two weeks since I wrote so...yeah.   My head is abormally shaped.  My skull, I mean.  I have massive lumps and bumps along with large flat swaths.  I remember falling and hitting my head twice as a child, but these lumps and bumps can't be from those, right? I always wanted to free myself from hair and just shave it all but I am too vain since my deformed skull would then have it's day.  I have an old school phrenology model - like the one below.  According to it, I am totally fucked.
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Outpatient intensive therapy

Healthy coping skills didn't cut it this late afternoon.  I had to take a lorazepam.  It relaxed me. I feel like I faied, but I understand the need for self compassion, etc.  On weekends prior to starting the outpatient intensive therapy program, I would have to work very hard to get myself out of bed.  If I did, I would usually end up back in bed at some point during the day.  I have not done that in weeks and I consider this a win. I know that I must employ self compassion and a host of other tools that have been given to me in the last 4 weeks.  The program has been very educational but it really is like drinking from a firehose.  It's exhausing by the end of the day, and I now understand why the doctor doesn't want people working while fully emersed in the intensive program.  I appreciate the program and I am thankful for the insurance that covers it and the short term disability that allows me to take off work while attending this deeply important and taxing work. Over
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Better but not?

 Is it possible to feel better and shitty at the same time? I guess if you are used to living a horrible level of depression and anxiety, it could be a thing.  Two hours ago, I realized I had not slept today.  This is a big win.  Now I am having a panic attack of sorts. 
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THIS one will work?

 I have bought maybe 4 journals in the last month.  Each one I think, 'Maybe this one is THE one I will write in'.  Maybe THIS one has the right vibe.  Juju. As part of my recovery from mental illness I have learned that journaling is a coping skill - a healthy one - and I want to give it a fair shot.  Maybe physical journals aren't my jam.  Maybe my writing needs to be in blog.  So, here we go. 
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